reveilation | IC INBOX

[ As much of a disaster that Hirajiro is, at least there's no war or asteroids or volcanoes, that's for sure. ]

The Velvet Room? Maybe one of the Attendants came and got you.

[ She thought before they couldn't enter the dungeons since they always refused to help out, but 45's an Attendant and she helped fight the boss, so who knows. ]

But ten thousand years...

[ She pulls away a little to look at Terry's face. No wonder Terry looks older. Having to deal with Earth's bs would age anybody. ]

You must have thought you'd never come back.

[ ~Who knows~ but maybe Minato went all jesus-mode again and saved Hirajiro from the flood. All that's left is Souji now.

Terry smiles a little, a little sad. ]

Yeah... I missed you a lot. There was so much I wanted to tell you, but I think I forgot most of them over the years. I'm sorry for worrying you. I... wanted to apologize for the longest time.

[ When Kido pulls away a little, he wipes at her tears with his thumb. ]

I broke a lot of promises. I did a lot of stupid things. I even... I... I was supposed to protect you, but you kept dying.

[ Yeah, that sure happened. He quietly breathes out, thinking back to what Minato said about people dying here. ]

Nekogami's still pissed off at me.

[ Which is understandable. ]

Edited 2019-10-28 19:21 (UTC)

[ With over ten thousand years, she doesn't doubt that there's a lot he wanted to tell her, but what she wanted to hear are all those things she had to hear from Terry's Shadow instead of himself. Nekogami might be pissed about all the killing, but Kido's reason for wanting to punch Terry in the face was for all those other reasons. Breaking promises, not telling her anything, not being here when she needed him. ]

I bet he is, after what happened... I still don't get a lot of what happened. You breaking promises, hiding secrets, being stupid, I know you have good reasons for doing all of that, so I won't be mad at you forever. I just want to know those reasons, so I can understand.

I'll tell you everything you want to know, but first, let's go inside.

[ It's a light rain, but it's still rain. Being wet doesn't feel all that great either, so Terry lets go of Kido, but stays close while leading her back into the building.

Once they go inside, Jace/Orien is there, holding up a big towel for each of them. Terry takes them and hands the other one to Kido. ]

[ A snake just being there with a towel is so weird... Everything surrounding Terry is weird, though, so she takes the towel to dry her face, and then take her hoodie off before heading downstairs, because it's been a month and she never learns that going out in the rain with just her hoodie and no umbrella means having to do laundry every single time.

There really is no private place to talk, so she tries to find that same classroom that they were in last time, to watch movies in. ]

[ Terry remembers this classroom in particular, because there were so many things going on at once. Anyway, he didn't get that drenched, so drying is easy. The towel rests on his head, his hair all ruffled and messy. Jace turns into a mini snake to go rest inside Terry's hoodie pocket. ]

One question at a time.

Alright.

[ She takes a seat on top of one of the desks, scooting back so she has the whole desk and Terry is forced to take the one across from her. ]

Then, tell me this: what the hell, Terrence?

[ Yeah... hard mode time. She's not going to just let him get away with a question-answer session. She wants him to decide what's most important. What he wants her to know the most. ]

[ Terry sits at the desk across from her. This is fine. That's not a question, Kido! He knows having attitude won't really be of any help here, so he tries to interpret that as best as he can. He's pretty sure she knows why he didn't accept his Shadow that easily, leading to everyone dying in there. Might as well start with hidden secrets. ]

... It was really hard telling people about my condition.

[ Was, because it's not that hard anymore. If he needs to say it, he'll say it. ]

Drinking blood just to live week after week, and then getting sick from it during my stay in Hirajiro before was something I didn't want anyone to know.

[ He did tell her about the condition, just really vaguely. Nothing about blood. He supposes that doesn't count anyway. ]

Back then, being looked at in fear was something I really hated. I couldn't stand it. I'm better about it now.

[ He glances at Kido. ]

... I remember the reason why I didn't want to tell you was that you scare easily. You passed out once when you saw that I was bleeding a lot from my ear. There were other situations too, but I couldn't imagine what your reaction would have been if I just straight up told you that I need to drink blood to live... I was scared. Thinking back on it now, it was... stupid of me, but I guess hindsight is always like that.

[ ... ]

For the record, I didn't kill anyone for their blood.

[ Well, this one's easy to understand, as there's no good connotation to blood sucking monsters. The thought of it still makes Kido feel sick, and it shows on her face, but it's more just anything about blood that makes her feel uneasy. She's had enough blood on her hands even before coming here, it's always associated with death and profound loss, and honestly the stuff's just gross. It's like Terry telling her he has to eat mud to survive; it's gross but she's accepted time and time again that Terry does weird things, so she'll get over it, eventually.

But her unease turns to guilt when he admits that the reason why he withheld that from her was because he was scared or scaring her, like it's for her sake just as much as it is his. There must have been countless of times she'd screamed at Terry and looked at him in fear— some of them were his fault, trying to get her to listen about some goat man or sneaking up on her with gag glasses— but there were other times where it was just her overreacting. Just a couple of minutes ago, when they met, the first thing Kido had done was be terrified of him. That must have felt horrible, and now she feels horrible about it. ]

...It's not stupid. I would have been scared. I still am, a little. But it's not like I'm scared of you; having to drink blood is just a gross concept. I can't imagine you'd enjoy it, anyways.

Mm... I don't like the taste of it, but it's something I've gotten used to.

[ He has to, or else he'd feel like throwing up every single time. ]

Anyway, my lifespan can only go up to 14 days. That's the full mark. Drinking blood doesn't extend it until I have less than 7 days. It's a pain, but again... it's something I got used to. It's just how I live.

[ He also hates vampire jokes. That much hasn't changed. ]

I usually request a blood pack to drink it from. I don't want to drink directly from people if I have to.

[ Over ten thousand years, and a blood pack every two weeks... Kido holds both her hands out, palms facing him in a generic gesture of "stop." Shut up Terry and stop talking. Don't make her think about him dringing directly from people. ]

Okay, you don't need to tell me all the details. I don't need to know stuff like that, just about it in general. What if something happened and you couldn't get a blood pack for two weeks? How am I supposed to help you then, if I don't know something basic like that?

[ He'd just kill an animal. Simple. Is that what he's gonna say though? He doesn't want to...

... ]

Sorry. You don't like hearing about it though, right? We can talk about something else instead...

[ And what if you're stuck in a cage held captive by your own self, huh? What then, Terrence?? ]

I don't like it, but that sort of stuff is still important to me. I need you to tell me things I should know, without worrying about whether it's something I want to hear or not. I can't help you if I don't know anything, and not being able to help when I'm more than capable of it is the worst feeling there is, more than any secrets you think are bad enough to hide.

[ Things like murder and blood drinking and all of that, eventually she'll get over it, because they're things that have happened and will happen, and she could never change that to begin with. But not helping when she can, and things falling apart because of that, she'll only ever carry forward the regret. She regrets being too small and weak to save her sister from the house fire. She regrets letting her guard down at the lake dungeon and getting Rei and herself killed when it was her one and only job to keep them hidden and safe. She regrets everything about Terry's dungeon, how much she was put through just to stand there the first time, and then the second, and the third but he wasn't even there anymore. She couldn't do anything. She can be the strongest and bravest person in the world, but unless she's allowed to get to know Terry, it's completely useless. ]

[ Terry looks down at the floor for a second while adjusting the towel on his head, thinking of what to say. At a human equivalent, it's a little like picking apart what you did twenty years ago and trying to explain the reasoning behind what happened back then. But of course, Kido wanting to know things is totally justified and he'll tell her everything she wants to know now. Which is why he thinks back on what he was so bent on not letting Kido know. There were a few things...

...

Oh, right. He looks back up to meet Kido's eyes. ]

I think you heard this from my Shadow already, but what he said about that night was true. I was taking on a coin challenge with Mondo, we got badly poisoned by the waters, but then I found out you and Rei hadn't moved from the same place in a long time, so I was worried. Mondo insisted that we go, so I tried to speed through the entire thing, but you two were already gone by the time I pulled both of you out of the building. Mondo couldn't make it either.

[ He was also pretty close to dying himself too, but. Details. ]

... Just bringing that incident up back then made me feel like I was going to hurl. It was pretty bad. I wanted to avoid it... it felt like it was the greatest shame of my life. I thought to myself, "what good is power if I couldn't save three people important to me, despite being regularly told that I could save a bunch of people during the war if I participated?". You were going through your own grievances too and I didn't want to add to that. You three got brought back to life somehow. That was all that mattered to me back then.

[ ...Yeah, it makes her stomach clench and Nekogami restless just thinking back to that time too, her mind muddling that fire with the one in her childhood, and both are rife with guilt and regret. But that's what she thought back when the Shadow told her too, that Terry just swallowed his feelings because he cared more about not making his friends more upset than they already are. ]

I don't know if you've already gotten over yourself, but I'll say it anyways: you didn't fail to save us. Us coming back, maybe it was only possible because you found us, otherwise those Shadows would have torn us apart, right? There'd be nothing left to go back to.

[ Somehow her arm and leg got reattached after her more recent death, but what if the bodies were completely destroyed, like on a molecular level or something? Minato had asked something about that once, whether Terry's immortality stands true if he were disintegrated entirely into subatomic particles. ]

Anyways, if I'm already grieving, you might as well tell everything to me all at once so I can get it over with without dragging things out. So you're not leaving this room until I get everything out of you, either. Let me be mad at you for a day or two, instead of forever. I can handle it, Terrence. And I won't hate you forever for it, because I know you have good reasons.

[ Terry was more than prepared for Kido to be extremely mad at him, so he nods. He does feel a little better after hearing Kido say that his efforts weren't completely for naught, even though it had been so many years since then. He quietly breathes out again. ]

... Thanks. Sorry, but I think you need to start asking the questions now. It's hard trying to remember everything that happened here, and I'm still trying to think back on it.

[ ...Fine, she'll give a little, since thousands of years is a hell of a long time to remember back to, and Kido herself has worrying gaps of memory spanning less than two weeks ago. But she also has to fall quiet and stare at her hands for a moment, because out of everything she'd been through and was feeling over the past few days, she never stopped to make a list of questions, expecting Terry to tell her everything and she wouldn't need to bother. He and his Shadow already hit on all the major things, and what's more important to Kido is that he understands that she'd rather be upset knowing the truth than being happy and ignorant, so she won't put him through the wringer over that anymore.

So, all that aside, the most burning questions she has... ]

...Did you hate me? All those times I yelled at you and hit you? The times when I was being stubborn, and when I was scared of you? How I kept returning to the dungeon to get you back, but I couldn't save you, and all I did was get your Shadow angry and make everything worse? And Nekogami, when he seriously tried to kill you too... He was so angry. That scared me so much, that the last time you'll ever see me, it was like that.

[ There's a lot about her personality that's just downright terrible, and she must be very frustrating to deal with a lot of times. She greeted Terry with a punch; he gave her a hug. She's never been ashamed by the way she acts, but she is now. ]

No.

[ The answer is immediate after she's done talking. ]

I never hated you. Well, it's more like... I couldn't even if I wanted to. Not that I ever wanted to anyway. I can understand that I deserved most of the scolding and hitting back then too.

[ Probably? He doesn't think he had a moment where he resented Kido for hitting him. There was that one time where he yelled at her during their first Lockdown in which she threw the phone square at his face, but that wasn't particularly... hate nor resentment. He only remembers that moment because. Seriously. His phone was weaponized so quickly.

... That aside. That brainwashing moment is something that still unsettles him to this day. ]

I can also understand why you did all that, like coming back when we told you not to. It's just how you are, not giving up when there's an opportunity right in front of you. I told you not to come back because I thought I wouldn't ever be able to accept my Shadow. There's... no way I can be mad at you for that, especially since I was in the middle of incredibly harsh self-loathing. I was a coward, who put my friends' lives on the line for the sake of my own ego.

[ They say that the bottom most and worst circle of hell is for betrayal, and Terry really feels like his mind had been inside it for so long. ]

I... felt guilty for the longest time. I promised to protect you, but I was the one who attacked you--nearly killed you. It's no wonder Nekogami was furious with me and wanted to kill me in return. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to beg for your forgiveness, but I figured that wouldn't be enough either...

[ Terry lowers the towel on his head to cover a portion of his face, held by his hand as if he's drying his face. ]

[ Hey, that time she threw the phone in his face was legitimate self defense, in Kido's point of view, anyways. It was her mistake and she never apologized for it... Come to think of it, she barely ever apologizes for anything she does wrong, but freely apologizes for other things, like "Sorry about the mess" when inviting people over, or "Sorry you got pulled into this situation" when meeting new Persona users. Situations aren't really things she can control directly, but her actions are— and most of the time, they're strongly justified. Every time she lashes out, she felt justified for doing so, and never thought anything wrong about it because people just let her be that way. ]

Yeah, you're a coward. You're selfish and you give up too easily.

[ She keeps her gaze level, staring at the towel over Terry's head. ]

But you just wanted to be yourself until the very end, isn't that what you told me? People put their lives above everything else. Sometimes they do terrible things to achieve that, but the drive to live is natural. So even if I hate it and think it's stupid, I get it. I never talked about it much, but all those times I died back home, I was killed because somebody desperately wanted to live, and my existence prevented that. I can hate something and accept it at the same time, because I get where you're coming from.

[ She can't really hold her death over his head anyways, because that natural drive to live is something she teeters in the balance of. It's not like she returned to the dungeon expecting to die, but she was prepared for it. ]

[ Hearing that makes Terry sad. It's not as if they can change the circumstances surroundings their lives no matter how much they wanted to, and this is probably why it's such a tragedy in the first place. You can't see things in black and white, is what he decided a long time ago. He slides the rest of the towel down. His hair is unbelievably messy without any attempts to make it relatively neat. The lenses of his glasses are wiped down, cleaning them and giving Terry HD vision. ]

But, still... I... I didn't want to see you die. [ Again. ]

I'm sorry.

I know you didn't. And I know you're sorry.

[ There's nothing about accepting the apology or forgiving him or anything like that, but Kido slides off her desk and stands in front of him before pulling him into a hug. ]

So next time, if you're there and can do something about it, don't let me die. Next time, I might not be able to come back, and I won't ever see you again. I want as much time as possible with you before that happens.

[ Hearing that from Kido pretty much solidifies his belief that since Kido died way too many times, her next death might as well turn her into a permanent zombie. It's a fear that he doesn't want to turn real and he returns her hug tightly. ]

I don't think I can handle not seeing you again for a long time... or even forever. I don't want that to happen anytime soon either. I want a lot of time with you too. I missed you so much. I'm glad I had a chance to talk this out with you. I thought I'd never be able to see you again.

[ ... ]

I want to be happy, with you.

[ Kido doesn't even think about the zombie thing... she's sort of under the impression that she'll physically leave and never come back, dead in her world and gone from here. It can't just be her soul or whatever doing all the travelling, because she'd woken up in the hospital that one time full of wounds, didn't she? Even though she doesn't remember anything like that happening back home... And then that time after she met with Terry's Shadow the first time, she had woken up after with gash straight across her entire stomach but not on her side where that ax had struck, and nothing like that happened at home either, so she has no idea what happened. There are too many gaps, especially around the times of her deaths, and she doesn't want to keep losing more and more even if she does come back each time. ]

I said so before and it still holds true: I'm happy with you just being here. If you're here, it doesn't matter if we fight, because we can always work things out. So don't be afraid to tell me things, okay?

Mm... okay.

[ He lowers his head to rest it on Kido's shoulder. She still feels cold, and he's not sure if it's getting better or worse. ]

Yeah, definitely. Thanks Kido, for accepting me.

[ And because he wants to, he lifts Kido up and places her on his lap while she faces the side and resumes hugging her in that position. ]

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